Why Some Friends Suck -- And Others Don't

Friendships are not always meant to last forever. There are often people in our lives that are present for a season, filling a gap for both of you while you work towards a goal or live in a similar environment. Not everyone you meet in college or at work will become your new best friend. But when someone becomes a true friend – one you know you will stick by through thick and thin – you had better keep your word.

I’m a believer in being open and honest about your intentions with a friendship. That means you tell people what you are going to do and follow through on what you say. If you don’t plan on doing something, then don’t tell people you are going to do it. Period. I think it is a disgrace to treat your word as something flexible when there is someone on the receiving end of your word. A lot of times, people prioritize something else minor when there is something as important as a friendship (or your integrity) at stake. Whether it is someone you just met or a friend you’ve known for 18 years, your word matters.

When you work a job and don’t keep your word, there are consequences. You may even lose the job itself if you are not doing well enough. Friendships are the same way, even when we don’t think of it like that. People are important, and failure to put them as a priority is to miss one of the key aspects of life, because it’s attempting to turn away what is important for what is trivial and temporary.

I’ve had all kinds of friendships – some of the best and some of the worst. One thing I realized over time, and had to eventually accept, is that what matters most to me is if someone follows through on their word. If they don’t, I don’t want to spend the energy chasing them down trying to make a relationship work. As the saying goes, “if it matters to you, you will find the time.” We often hear that in the context of exercise or starting new habits, but I also think of it in terms of people, because theoretically, people are the most important. If they are, then the last thing we should do is make excuses.

But before you make excuses, you have to be honest with yourself. Sometimes people say things when they’re just “talking,” and we have to be careful with that, because our words matter, and what we relay to other people matters. If you tell someone else that you want to get coffee with them, pray for them, or develop a friendship with them, you had better be serious – otherwise you are lying. It is better not to say anything at all than to say something untrue.

For the last couple of years, I’ve had a phrase stuck in my head: “I will listen to people’s words, but I will ultimately judge them by their actions.” What I mean by this is that I will give everyone, and I mean everyone, the benefit of the doubt. We are all equal and get a chance to prove ourselves in this world, but when you fail to match your words to your actions, I will use the actions as the judgment point for your character. I would expect everyone else to do the same with me. So when someone says something about their intentions, even if it has nothing to do with me, I listen and hope that what they are saying will come true, but what they do is the ultimate test. Actions matter more than words.

This might seem a bit negative, but in the end, it’s encouraging. The less you are able to waste time and the more you are able to find great people to be around, the better your life will be. I’ve had friends tell me that they care about something or someone, but their actions do not match. When that happens, it is no longer valuable or wise for me to continue investing in them when they cannot keep their word. Instead, I found friends I can count on: friends that I know will pick up the phone when I need help, drive across town to help me move, or help me fix a tire on a Thursday night. And I would do the same for them. If you don’t have friends like that, I would encourage you to find them. You want people by your side who have integrity, not just similar hobbies and interests. You want a friend you can count on. If you become that person yourself, they will find their way to you.