The Worst Marriage Advice I Ever Received
Throughout my life, I’ve heard a lot of relationship advice. Some of it was great, some of it was not so great, and some of it were cliches that people repeat without even thinking about it. But perhaps the worst marriage advice I ever heard centers around one word: compromise. I’ve heard countless times about how relationships are about meeting in the middle, finding common ground, and making sure everything is equal. Little did I know that this was terrible advice.
I first became aware of this concept when listening to a sermon by pastor Andy Stanley (I’ll link it down below if you’re interested). In summary, the problem with a compromise is that it makes love a zero-sum game. You are trying to make sure that each side is equal, in order for one side to not tip too much in their direction. Centering relationships on compromise focuses on there being an even playing field, as if there are two different teams, not one.
Furthermore, the issue with compromise is that it misunderstands and misapplies the true definition of love. Love has no margin. Love does not meet in the middle. When you experience and give true love, you offer all you can without expecting anything in return. Love commits to the other person no matter the circumstance or reward, because marriage is not a contract, it's a covenant. A contract says, "I will do so long as you..." while a covenant simply says, "I will." As soon as you compromise on something, you lose the opportunity for true love. If you read the scriptures, you’ll see the same concept. Take the most common passage on marriage, for example. I won’t share every verse from Ephesians 5, but consider the two most prominent commands in this section:
“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” (v.22)
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (v.25)
In other words, wives should follow their husbands and husbands should be willing to sacrifice their lives for their wives. Does that look like a love that meets in the middle? No, because love doesn’t compromise, and love has no boundaries. In Pastor Stanley’s words, “happy relationships look like a submission competition.”
Watch any couple who has sustained a successful marriage over a period of years. There’s something about them that makes your head turn and be curious. It’s the kind of relationship where they wholeheartedly, genuinely and imperfectly love each other. And you can have that, too, if you don’t already do. Because love is a choice, and it doesn’t fade unless you choose to stop loving. If you’ve never thought of it this way, maybe consider what it looks like to stop using the c-word. My wife and I don’t, and while we’re far from perfect, we do our best not to meet in the middle. Like so many beautiful marriages that have paved the way before us, we’re trying our best to love.
*Watch the Andy Stanley sermon here: https://yourmove.is/videos/nothing-part-1/
